Knowing your Worth
A 36-year-old has worked for his employer for close to seven years. He has shown up to work on time consistently, has had great performance reviews every year, and periodically will work on nights and weekends when needed to help with special projects. When his co-worker retires, he applies for his job. It would be a promotion, which he thinks he will get because he has done so well at work thus far and has all the experience the job description requires.
A 23-year-old woman has been dating her significant other for two years, and during this time has greatly enjoyed the relationship. She has worked through conflicts, met his family, spent time with his friends, and taken up some of his hobbies to ensure that they can spend quality time together. They get along well, and she sees a future with him, so she begins planning for their wedding.
An 8-year-old has spent the last hour and a half working hard in his math class. He has avoided talking to his best friend, he ignored the dog outside that walked by the window, and he has been using his least favorite pencil. The one without a fun eraser on it, so he knows he will focus well in the worksheet. He is planning on being the line leader out to recess because he wants to be the first one outside to get the most playtime after working so hard on his math assignment.
What do these three people have in common?
They each believe they deserve a specific outcome. They also believe that the world is fair and just and that they have earned a reward, maybe even believe they are entitled to it.
What will happen when the 36-year-old does not get the promotion, or the 23-year-old woman learns that her significant other does not want to get married, or the 8-year-old boy is informed by his teacher that he is not the line leader?
After disappointment and sadness show up, they may feel some insecurity or even anger. Why would a boss choose to hire a new person outside the company, or why would someone date for over two years and not have any intention of committing to a marriage, or why bother working so hard in math if the line order to go outside stays the same?
All of these are fantastic questions. I would imagine most of us have asked this type of question at some point in our lives. We often want the world to operate like a video game where the amount of time, effort, and skill we invest will result in a logical and predictable advancement through levels to a successful outcome, representing the work we sacrifice for this goal of advancement. (Look at me, I am so great, and good, and wonderful!)
Also, at some point, we put in the time, the effort, and we develop the skills to move on up in life to the next level, however we want to define it. Only to encounter an outcome we do not want. It can even happen in a video game. Maybe you are playing and are about to beat the boss when the power goes out, and you lose all progress in the game since the last save. There is no escaping the truth of the matter: Life is not always fair, and it is not always just. Sometimes you will work very hard towards a goal and will not get what you want. You may even feel like you are punished for trying.
I know, this is heavy stuff. Right now, resist the urge to click away from the post. Take a brief break and look below at a peaceful picture of nature.
Welcome back. I hope your eyes enjoyed a brief break from reading. Ready for some more words? Awesome.
Is it a bit distressing to think about how all the opportunities you are working towards may never happen? Oh, absolutely. Will you feel pain when you invest a bunch of your time and energy into something and gain zero rewards in return? Yes, most definitely.
As long as you seek validation outside of yourself, you are going to experience distress because your worth is not dependent upon your achievements. Often, people think that they deserve a change, but the reality is that you do not need to change to be a person of worth or to be worthy of love, so perhaps a better question is this: Knowing that you are a person of worth and already worthy of love, what would you do differently?
Would the 36-year-old decide to leave his place of employment of seven years out of resentment for not getting promoted? What if he stayed because he enjoyed his job and chose to leave only when he found a job that was more interesting, or gave him better benefits?
Would the 23-year-old continue to spend time with her boyfriend and let go of her desire to enter into a marriage, or choose to leave the relationship because she values that type of committed relationship so much that she wants to invest time into a different partnership with a different person?
Would the 8-year-old choose to kick the teacher on the way to line up because he was told he cannot be first in line, or would he stop and think about how he likes recess so much that he does not want to get recess detention, so he waits until he is outside and stomps out his anger into the ground on the playground?
In all these examples, the people can choose to respond with purpose. The 8-year-old may not realize his worth in the same way a 23-year-old or a 36-year-old may be capable of, but the truth remains the same. Once you realize that your worth is unwavering, then it is knowing your worth that will drive you onward and forward to making choices and decisions that matter to you. You can prioritize what is important to you more easily.
A job title, wedding photos on a mantle, preferred location in a classroom line, or virtual confetti dancing across a video game screen will not modify your worth or your value. It can be a challenge to leave the comfort of competition, let go of the belief that you only matter if you achieve a bunch of things, and explore a new path in life rooted in your worth. Experiencing something new can be scary, but you do not have to do it alone. That is where talking with a therapist might be helpful. At Maverick Insights Counseling, we can help you find your inner worth and use it as a compass to change your perspective of your life, building you the confidence to walk away from entitlement and towards a more fulfilling future.
